There’s a moment—one of those quiet, sigh-deep moments—when you realize you’ve said “yes” too many times. Maybe it was helping out at work when you were already drowning in tasks. Maybe it was a dinner with friends when all you wanted was to put on your softest pajamas and binge-watch your favorite series on Netflix. Maybe it was picking up the phone when a friend needed to vent—even though your own heart felt like it was running on a 1% battery.
But still, you said yes. Because that’s what you do.
And let me guess—you went home feeling exhausted, not just physically but emotionally drained, like you left little pieces of yourself scattered everywhere.
I know this because I’ve been there. I learned the art of honing in the skill of adapting to diverse personalities and anticipating their needs, often at the expense of asserting my own. And let me tell you… I spent YEARS bending over backward, making myself small, accommodating, agreeable—the girl who never rocked the boat. I thought saying yes would make people love me more. That being nice would keep me safe from rejection, disappointment, and guilt.
Spoiler alert: IT DIDN’T!
Instead, I found myself exhausted, stretched so thin I could barely recognize who I was anymore. And the worst part? NO ONE even noticed how much I was struggling. They just kept asking for more—because that’s what happens when you allow it and never say no. It cost me my job—I left due to exhaustion.
So, if you’re tired of being everyone’s go-to, if you’re done pouring all your energy into others and leaving nothing for yourself, then grab a cup of tea, get cozy, and LET’S TALK about how to break free from the exhausting cycle of people-pleasing.
For many of us—especially women in our 20s, 30s, and 40s—people-pleasing has been stitched into our lives since childhood. Maybe we were raised to be the “good girl” who never spoke out of turn. It isn’t just about being “nice”, because if it were, we wouldn’t be so tired all the time. But honestly, it’s about something deeper, something trickier to untangle. It’s about approval. Safety. A need to be seen as a good, worthy, and lovable woman.
I grew up believing that being “the good girl” meant never saying no. That being agreeable made life easier for everyone else. And it did—for everyone except me.
And you? Trust me… YOU deserve better than that.
When you spend your life making sure everyone else is happy, you don’t leave much room for yourself. And that takes a toll.
- You feel exhausted–emotionally, mentally, and physically. It’s like you’re carrying the weight of other people’s expectations, and no one offered you a break.
- You can start resenting the very people you’re trying to please. Not because they’re bad people, but because you’re overextending yourself for them in ways they never asked for.
- You lose confidence. When you put your own needs, you start believing they don’t matter.
- You attract the wrong kind of people. The more you people-please, the more you invite those who will take advantage of it. And the cycle continues.
But here’s the thing: YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS.
The Art of Saying NO (Without Feeling Guilty)
Breaking the cycle of people-pleasing isn’t just about suddenly becoming an unbothered, unshakable fortress of boundaries overnight. It’s about small, intentional shifts. It’s about reclaiming your life one “no” at a time.
- Get Comfortable with Discomfort
If you’ve spent years saying “yes” to everyone, saying “no” is going to feel weird. Unnatural. Maybe even wrong. You might feel guilty. You might worry that people will be disappointed. And you know what? They might be… and it’s fine.
Let them.
It’s okay if people don’t like every decision you make. Their feelings are not your responsibility. Your well-being, however, is. As long as you’re doing your job—you’re fine.
- Pause Before You Commit
A classic people-pleasing move? Saying “yes” before you’ve even had a chance to think.
Try this instead: The next time someone asks for your time and energy or even resources… PAUSE. Say, “Let me get back to you.” Give yourself space to decide if this is something you truly want to do.
And if it’s not? Practice a simple, direct “NO.” NO justifications. NO elaborate excuses. Just say:
- “I can’t commit to that right now.”
- “That doesn’t work for me.”
- “I’m prioritizing other things at the moment.”
It’s uncomfortable at first, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.
- Remember: Boundaries are Not Rejection
One of the biggest fears people-pleasers have is that setting boundaries will push people away. That saying “no” will make them love us less.
But here’s the truth: The right people—the ones who truly care about you—will respect your boundaries. The wrong people? They’ll be upset. And that’s okay. Let them be.
Not everyone deserves unrestricted access to your time and energy. You are not an endless resource.
- Redefine Your Worth
If your sense of self-worth has been built on making other people happy, it’s time to rewrite that narrative. You are not valuable because of what you do for others. You are not valuable because of what you do for others. You are valuable because of who you are.
Take time to reconnect with yourself. What do you love? What makes you happy? If no one else’s needs existed for a moment, what would you choose for yourself?
The more you step into your own power, the less you will feel the need to seek validation from others.
- Expect Pushback (But Stand Your Ground)
Not everyone will cheer you on as you break the cycle. Some people are used to the version of you that always says “yes.” They may be confused. Annoyed. Even angry.
That’s their problem, NOT YOURS.
Your job is to hold the line. To stand firm in your boundaries. To remind yourself—again and again—that you are allowed to put yourself first.
The Freedom of Taking Back Your Life
Here’s the thing about people-pleasing: It doesn’t actually make people like you more. It just makes you more convenient.
The moment you stop living for other people’s approval is the moment you start living for yourself. And that? That’s real freedom.
So start today. Say “no” to the thing you don’t want to do. Say “yes” to something that makes you happy.
And when that little voice creeps in—the one that whispers, “But what if they don’t like me?”—remind yourself:
The right people will. And more importantly… YOU WILL.
